Best Christmas Present

 What is the best Christmas present ever?

A broken drum-you can't beat it.

Cows & Tornados

 What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake.

Friendsgiving

 Who should you invite to your Friendsgiving?

Your close group of PALgrims.

The Cobbler

 Why was the cobbler looking for work?

Because his old job just gave him the boot!

French Fry & Hamburger

 How did the French fry propose to the hamburger?

He gave her an onion ring!

Frogs

 What type of music do frogs listen to?

Hoppera!

Plates

 What did one plate say to the other?

Dinner is on me.

Guy's Left Side

 Puns

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

Knights

 What do you call a knight who hates fighting?

Sir Render.

Michael Phelps

 Why is Michael Phelps never late?

He always arrives in world record time.

Chlorine

 What game does chlorine never lose?

Pool.

Grandma's Sweater

 Have you seen the sweater my grandma made me?

It's pretty knit.

Octopus

 How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles!

Vegetables

 What vegetables make the best music?

Beets.

Sailors

 Why couldn't the sailors play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck.

Tooth Island

 How do you get to Tooth Island?

The Tooth ferry!

Cows

 Why did the cow go to outer space?

To see the Milky Way.

Shapes

 What shape is bad at driving?

A wrecked-angle.

Puppies

 What do you call a puppy with a fever?

A hot dog.

Sewers

 Why do sewers make terrible runners?

They always have a stitch in their side.

Weather/Climate

 What's the difference between weather and climate?

You can't weather a tree, but you can climate.

Days of the Week

 What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak-days.

Airplanes

 Why do airplanes make bad spouses?

They're always ready to take off.

Bogs

 What's a bog's favorite sweet treat?

Marsh-mallows.

Mike Tyson

 What is Mike Tyson's favorite bowl?

The punch bowl.

Roman Numerals

 How do you add one to ten to get nine?

Roman numerals, IX.

Hotels

 What do you call a hotel with really bad customer service?

A hostile.

Puppies in Trouble

 What does one dog do when they see another pup in trouble?

They lend a helping paw!

Sickly Elevator

 What did the sickly elevator say?

I think I'm coming down with something!

Cashier and Botanist

 What did the cashier ask the herbalist at the checkout?

Bot-any plants lately?

Ocean Too Hot

 Why was the ocean too hot to swim in?

It had a heat wave.

Dorothy and Toto

 If Dorothy missed Kansas, what did Toto miss?

The rains down in Africa!

Cows and Math

 How does a cow do math?

With a cow-culator.

Celebrity Center of Plum

 What celebrity is at the center of a plum?

Brad Pitt.

No Body/No Nose

 What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows!

Fly Without Wings

 What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.