A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business…
“Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door, you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?
David had been extremely anxious for years. It got to the point where his compulsive worrying was ruining his life, so he went to a psychiatrist, who recommended that David hire a professional worrier.
After he’d been working with the specialist for a few months, David’s friend John noticed a change. “What happened?” John asked. “You don’t worry about anything anymore.”
“I hired a professional worrier!” David answered.
“That must cost a fortune,” John said.
“Yes, he charges $3,000 a month,” David said sheepishly.
“Three thousand dollars! How can you ever afford to pay him?” John exclaimed.
“I don’t know,” David said. “That’s his problem.”
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
“Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine, and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, “Happy New Year, everybody.” and the waiter says, “We are in June, you drunk man.”
And the drunk man says, “Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me, I have never been so late in my life!”
Young Son: “Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her”
Dad: That happens in every country, son
A man and his wife are driving along the road when a police car flags them down. The officer signals to the man to roll his window down.
“Do you realize, sir, you were doing 36 miles per hour in a 30 mph area?”
Husband: You must be mistaken officer, I was doing no more than 30 I assure you.”
Wife: Oh Peter, don’t lie. I warned you you were going far too fast.”
Policeman: Furthermore sir, I am going to have to book you for having no rear license plate.
Husband: What? Oh my, it must have fallen off, I thought I heard a noise just about fifteen minutes ago, didn’t I dear?
Wife: Oh Peter, don’t lie. I told you three weeks ago it had fallen off and you simply ignored me.
Policeman: Indeed? Well, for that sir, I am also going to charge you for not wearing a seatbelt.
Husband: But officer, I slipped it off when I stopped for you as I thought you might want me to come out of the car.
Wife: Oh Peter, do stop lying. I have nagged you ever since we left the house about it, but again, oh no, just ignore me. He never wears his belt officer.
By this time the man is so incensed with her, he lets rip.
“Oh yes, nag, nag, nag. Why don’t you ever effin shut up, you ugly, vicious motor-mouthed heap of cheap scented lard!”
Policeman: Excuse me, madam, does your husband always talk to you like this?
Wife: Oh no officer, only when he’s drunk.
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham”? And she replied ,”I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,”I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”
Her grandmother replied ,”Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan.”
In the worst rainstorm of the century, a kid calls a hotline to report flooding.
“Help me!” the kid exclaims. “I’m standing in two feet of water!”
“Now stay calm,” the person answering the hotline replies. “Two feet of water does not constitute a flood emergency around here.”
“It does around here!” says the kid. “I’m calling from the fourth floor!”
JAKE: Last night, I had a terrible dream that I ate a giant marshmallow.
DOUG: Why is that so terrible?
JAKE: When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
“Oh, you’re four,” said the teacher. “And when will you be 5?”
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, “When I hold up the other finger.”
I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.
He asked which companies?
I told him gas, electric, and cable.
