Slowest Man on the Job

 The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, “I’ve had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I’ve ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?”

“Well,” yawned the workman, “Nobody can get tired as quick as I can.”

Where Is Jesus Today?

 A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”

Watch Out for the Wall!

 A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

The Visit

 During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well…”, said the Director, “We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand”, said the visitor. “This is easy, a normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger.”

“Wrong!!” said the Director, “A normal person would just pull the plug out. So, do you want a bed near the window?”

May I Talk to Your Dad?

 The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child: “Hello..”

“Is your Daddy home?”, the boss asked.
“Yes, he is.. “, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk to him, please?”
The child whispered: “No!”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked: “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk to her?”
Again the small voice whispered: “No!”
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked: “Is anyone else there?”
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked: “May I speak to the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked: “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?”, demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered: “The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked: “Oh my God! What on Earth, are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME!”