Slowest Man on the Job

 The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, “I’ve had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I’ve ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?”

“Well,” yawned the workman, “Nobody can get tired as quick as I can.”

Where Is Jesus Today?

 A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”

Watch Out for the Wall!

 A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

The Visit

 During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well…”, said the Director, “We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand”, said the visitor. “This is easy, a normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger.”

“Wrong!!” said the Director, “A normal person would just pull the plug out. So, do you want a bed near the window?”

May I Talk to Your Dad?

 The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child: “Hello..”

“Is your Daddy home?”, the boss asked.
“Yes, he is.. “, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk to him, please?”
The child whispered: “No!”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked: “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk to her?”
Again the small voice whispered: “No!”
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked: “Is anyone else there?”
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked: “May I speak to the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked: “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?”, demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered: “The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked: “Oh my God! What on Earth, are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME!”

My Smartest Move

 Yesterday, I bought a bottle of Whiskey and was on my way home on my motorcycle. Suddenly a thought occurred to me; What if my motorcycle crashes? What would I drink once I get home?

So I stoopped right then, and gulped the entire bottle down, sitting beside the road.

I’ll tell you, that was one of my smartest moves. I crashed 4 times before I reached home yesterday.

A Tired Dog

 A tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children, so he’s just trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

The Magician and the Parrot...

 A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course, the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

Thanks for Your Help, Judge...

 The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgment. “Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month.”

Mr. Smith replies, “That’s very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while, I will send her a little extra too.”

Paper-Eating Dog...

 A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.”

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, “Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister.”

Your Wife Just Fell Out...

 On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

An Act of Unselfish Generosity....

 A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.”I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum.”

“You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?”

“Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.'”

Most Wanted...

 An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.

Little Boy says ” He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!”

Officer says “yes”.

Little Boy asks “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”