Under 17 Rating

Yo momma so stupid when she went to go see a movie, it said "under 17 not allowed," so she left to get 16 more friends to go with her.

Two Blondes and Mechanics

Two blondes were discussing their automobile mechanics. Said one blonde, "I was so worried that the garage mechanic might try to rip me off. But then I was relieved when he told me that all I needed was turn signal fluid."

The Chicken and the Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Stepping on Grapes

Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

My Boyfriend

Q: My boyfriend is as beautiful as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein; what is his name? A: Frankenstein.

Who Is God?

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Karma

Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

The Blonde UCLA Freshman

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

The Elephant and the Turtle

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Skipping School

I hate school and got caught skipping the other day. My principal said, "Walk normal next time, you fruitcake."

Hardrive Backing

I named my hard drive "dat ass," so once a month my computer asks if I want to "back dat ass up."

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

The Robber and the Blonde

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

Titanic

Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic." Step 2: Plug it into your computer. Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel. Step 4: Feel like a hero.

Expensive Places to Go

My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said, "Come on, get in the car. We’re going to the gas station."

Math Problems

Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?" Student: "A heart attack."

Skiunk in Courtroom

Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom? A: "Odor in the court!"

Erotic Sex

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

Presidential Library

Subject: PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD ... GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD Crawford, Texas (AP) A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.

Holidays

If Thanksgiving is your left leg and Christmas is your right leg, can I visit between the holidays?

Flies in Soup

Customer: "Waiter, waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?" Waiter: "The backstroke, I think."

Backpacking for Eight Days

After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

Husbands and Wives

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees." Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".

Steers

Q: What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer? A: Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)