A Blonde, A Brunetter, and A Redhead. . . . . . . .

A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it. The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away. Next, the redhead jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away. Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled... "CRAP!"

Yo Momma. . . . . . .

Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.

The Panda

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!

The Kangaroo

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here. The kangaroo says, At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand.

The Chicken

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the farmer cross the road? To get his dick out of the chicken!

The Lightest Thing in the World

Q: What is the lightest thing in the world? A: A penis because just a thought can lift it.

The Willow Tree

A willow tree walks into a bar, and a guy sitting next to the counter says to the bartender, Who's the new guy? And the bartender says, I don't know, but I've heard he's a shady character!

German Soldiers vs American Soldiers

Q: What did one German soldier say to the other when the Americans attacked? A: "I did Nazi that coming!"

The Blonde and the Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Beauty Over Brains

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Chuck Norris in "Independence Day"

Chuck Norris was called to the set of the movie "Independence Day." They needed a way to show the Statue of Liberty laying on its side. To do this, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the statue down, let it lay long enough for them to film the scene, then stared at it until it stood back up.

Chuck Norris In Elementary School

In 1957 while in Elementary school Chuck Norris drew a sketch of a square apparatus with astonishing details. 50 years later, Apple used that same sketch to design and develop what we know now as... the ipad.

The Beer Prayer

The Beer Prayer Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hollowed be thy drink. I will be drunk, At home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not into incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer. The bitter and the lager Forever and ever, Barmen.

The Pig

A man walks by a blonde, who is holding a pig. The man asks, "Where did you get her?" The pig answered, "I won her at the fair."

The Doctor

A woman is in the maternity ward, having just given birth to her baby. The doctor comes in, cradling the child in his arms. As he is about to give it to the woman, he drops it on the ground, kicks it into the wall then throws it out the window. "OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!?!?!" The doctor turns to her, smiles, and says, "April Fools. It was a stillborn."

Three Salesmen

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best. The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man. The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man. The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to a blonde lady. The other two said, so what? The third salesman added, along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold her one hundred pounds of bird seeds!!!!!

Tracks

A man walks into a bar with a dead rabbit. The people in the bar say "how did you get that?" Then the man says "me follow tracks me find rabbit." Then another man comes in with a dead deer and the people say "how did you get that?" He says "me follow tracks me find deer." Then another man comes in and there is blood all over him and the people say "what happened?" And the man says "me follow tracks; me get hit by train"

Green and Fuzzy

Q: What is green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A: A pool table.

Changing a Tire

Q: How many UNC fans does it take to change a tire? A: Four: three to tap the keg and one to call daddy.

McDonald's Obama Value Meal

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Fetch

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him." "I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked. "Because," she replied, "He can't throw."

Metallic Dress

Your mom is so fat she went to a party in a metallic dress and people thought she was a keg.