Embarrassment

A guy falls down in the street. To make sure he is not embarrassed in front of the neighbors, he crawled all the way home.

Hookers and Dolphins

What do hookers and the Dolphins have in common? They both have hundreds of balls pounded into their endzone every week.

Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger woke to see his tent blown away by a tornado. He declared, "Tonto, we’re not in canvas anymore."

Yo Mamma Jokes

Yo mamma so ugly, she came in fourth at a beauty pageant and she was the only one who entered.

Teachers and Trains

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

Chuck Norris Jokes

Long ago, Chuck Norris didn't care about remembering when Jesus' birthday was so he just so happened to send him a birthday card on December 25th. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Christmas.

Vegetable 911

A carrot and a tomato were walking across the street when the carrot was hit by a car. The tomato called 911. An ambulance came and took the carrot to the hospital. The tomato went to the hospital to wait for his friend, and when he got there the carrot was still in the emergency room, so the tomato paced nervously. Finally, the doctor called out, "Mr. Tomato?" The tomato went over, and asked the doctor, "How is he?" The doctor replied, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he is still alive. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Blonde as Brunette

How can you tell when a brunette is actually a blonde who dyes her hair? When she trips over the cordless phone.

Women and Men

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."

Knowing Your States

Knowing Your States The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

College Dean's Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

Tallest Building in the World

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world? A: The library, because it has so many stories.

Hickory Dickory Dock. . .

Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

Yo Momma Jokes

Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.

Mexicans and Tequila!

Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila? A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!

Realtor Named Hall. . .

There once was a Realtor named Hall With a hexahedronical ball. The cube of its weight Plus his pecker times eight Is his phone number. Give him a call!

Chuck Norris Jokes

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Baby Brother or Sister

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Yoga Instructor vs. Torcherer

What is the difference between a yoga instructor and a torcherer? The torcherer apologizes first.

The Snowman

Q: Why did the snowman drop his pants? A: Because he heard the snow blower was coming.

Donations

Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool." Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."

Yo Mamma

Yo mamma so fat when she went to get her picture taken the photographer told her to say "Cheese" and she said, "Where?"

Protection

What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection? "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

Blood Vessels

Did you know if you were to stretch your blood vessels out end to end in a straight line, you would die?

Father vs. Son

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son... "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."

Vegetative State

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.