Onions and Coconuts

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Fighting Fire with Fire?

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Golfer and Caddy

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Yo Momma So Fat. . .

Yo mama is so fat that when she got her shoes shined, she had to take the guy’s word for it.

Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet

Q: What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffit have in common? A: They both had curds (Kurds) in their way (whey).

Yo Momma So Ghetto. . .

Yo momma so ghetto, she had to steal a pair of shoes just to throw them over the power line.

Burying George Washington

Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up? A: Because he could never lie.

Mexican Family Portraits

Q: How do Mexicans take a family portrait? A: They all jump in the back of a pickup truck and run a red light.

Yo Mama Is So Fat. . .

Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with a rapid flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her twenty years to live.

Cereal Killer

A local man was found murdered in his home in California over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.

Driving Crazy

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

Eating Alot

When I was young, I used to eat a lot because my parents told me that fat kids are harder to kidnap.

The Lottery

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"

George Washington

Q: What would George Washington be doing if he were alive? A: Terrified, screaming in his coffin.

Three Salesman

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best. The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man. The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man. The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to a blonde lady. The other two said, so what? The third salesman added, along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold her one hundred pounds of bird seeds!!!!!