Another Yo Momma Joke

Yo momma is so stupid, when she went to the movie theater & the movie she wanted to see said, "under 17 not allowed," she left & brought back 16 of her friends.

Kids Vs. Lightbulbs

How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to say, "But I never turn it on!" and two to say, "But I did it last time!"

Another Dumb Blonde Joke

Q: Why did the blonde go outside with her purse open? A: Because she heard there would be a change in the weather.

Hillary Clinton Announces Candidacy

Hillary Clinton has finally announced she will be running for President. Yes, finally. She says this is a great step forward for all women... who happen to be married to a former president.

Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says, "Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air." The other says, "Sorry, I just burped."

Diseases

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

Dogs Vs. Cats

A dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be Gods!" A cat thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a God!"

Tequila

Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila? A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!

Hickory Dickory Dock

Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

Wedding Traditions

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning. After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"

Babies

Q: If storks bring white babies and crows bring black babies, what bring no babies? A: Swallows.

Controlling Mosquitos

Did you know that the U.S. government is working on a project to control mosquitoes? They are going to put tiny little cow bells on them, so you can hear where they are. So far, all they have is a bunch of humdingers.

Naming the States

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

Under 17 Rating

Yo momma so stupid when she went to go see a movie, it said "under 17 not allowed," so she left to get 16 more friends to go with her.

Two Blondes and Mechanics

Two blondes were discussing their automobile mechanics. Said one blonde, "I was so worried that the garage mechanic might try to rip me off. But then I was relieved when he told me that all I needed was turn signal fluid."

The Chicken and the Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Stepping on Grapes

Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

My Boyfriend

Q: My boyfriend is as beautiful as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein; what is his name? A: Frankenstein.

Who Is God?

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Karma

Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

The Blonde UCLA Freshman

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

The Elephant and the Turtle

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Skipping School

I hate school and got caught skipping the other day. My principal said, "Walk normal next time, you fruitcake."

Hardrive Backing

I named my hard drive "dat ass," so once a month my computer asks if I want to "back dat ass up."

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

The Robber and the Blonde

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

Titanic

Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic." Step 2: Plug it into your computer. Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel. Step 4: Feel like a hero.

Expensive Places to Go

My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said, "Come on, get in the car. We’re going to the gas station."

Math Problems

Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?" Student: "A heart attack."

Skiunk in Courtroom

Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom? A: "Odor in the court!"

Erotic Sex

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

Presidential Library

Subject: PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD ... GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD Crawford, Texas (AP) A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.

Holidays

If Thanksgiving is your left leg and Christmas is your right leg, can I visit between the holidays?

Flies in Soup

Customer: "Waiter, waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?" Waiter: "The backstroke, I think."

Backpacking for Eight Days

After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

Husbands and Wives

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees." Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".

Steers

Q: What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer? A: Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)

A Blonde, A Brunetter, and A Redhead. . . . . . . .

A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it. The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away. Next, the redhead jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away. Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled... "CRAP!"

Yo Momma. . . . . . .

Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.

The Panda

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!

The Kangaroo

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here. The kangaroo says, At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand.

The Chicken

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the farmer cross the road? To get his dick out of the chicken!

The Lightest Thing in the World

Q: What is the lightest thing in the world? A: A penis because just a thought can lift it.

The Willow Tree

A willow tree walks into a bar, and a guy sitting next to the counter says to the bartender, Who's the new guy? And the bartender says, I don't know, but I've heard he's a shady character!

German Soldiers vs American Soldiers

Q: What did one German soldier say to the other when the Americans attacked? A: "I did Nazi that coming!"

The Blonde and the Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Beauty Over Brains

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Chuck Norris in "Independence Day"

Chuck Norris was called to the set of the movie "Independence Day." They needed a way to show the Statue of Liberty laying on its side. To do this, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the statue down, let it lay long enough for them to film the scene, then stared at it until it stood back up.

Chuck Norris In Elementary School

In 1957 while in Elementary school Chuck Norris drew a sketch of a square apparatus with astonishing details. 50 years later, Apple used that same sketch to design and develop what we know now as... the ipad.

The Beer Prayer

The Beer Prayer Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hollowed be thy drink. I will be drunk, At home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not into incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer. The bitter and the lager Forever and ever, Barmen.

The Pig

A man walks by a blonde, who is holding a pig. The man asks, "Where did you get her?" The pig answered, "I won her at the fair."

The Doctor

A woman is in the maternity ward, having just given birth to her baby. The doctor comes in, cradling the child in his arms. As he is about to give it to the woman, he drops it on the ground, kicks it into the wall then throws it out the window. "OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!?!?!" The doctor turns to her, smiles, and says, "April Fools. It was a stillborn."

Three Salesmen

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best. The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man. The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man. The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to a blonde lady. The other two said, so what? The third salesman added, along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold her one hundred pounds of bird seeds!!!!!

Tracks

A man walks into a bar with a dead rabbit. The people in the bar say "how did you get that?" Then the man says "me follow tracks me find rabbit." Then another man comes in with a dead deer and the people say "how did you get that?" He says "me follow tracks me find deer." Then another man comes in and there is blood all over him and the people say "what happened?" And the man says "me follow tracks; me get hit by train"

Green and Fuzzy

Q: What is green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A: A pool table.

Changing a Tire

Q: How many UNC fans does it take to change a tire? A: Four: three to tap the keg and one to call daddy.

McDonald's Obama Value Meal

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Fetch

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him." "I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked. "Because," she replied, "He can't throw."

Metallic Dress

Your mom is so fat she went to a party in a metallic dress and people thought she was a keg.

Embarrassment

A guy falls down in the street. To make sure he is not embarrassed in front of the neighbors, he crawled all the way home.

Hookers and Dolphins

What do hookers and the Dolphins have in common? They both have hundreds of balls pounded into their endzone every week.

Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger woke to see his tent blown away by a tornado. He declared, "Tonto, we’re not in canvas anymore."

Yo Mamma Jokes

Yo mamma so ugly, she came in fourth at a beauty pageant and she was the only one who entered.

Teachers and Trains

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

Chuck Norris Jokes

Long ago, Chuck Norris didn't care about remembering when Jesus' birthday was so he just so happened to send him a birthday card on December 25th. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Christmas.

Vegetable 911

A carrot and a tomato were walking across the street when the carrot was hit by a car. The tomato called 911. An ambulance came and took the carrot to the hospital. The tomato went to the hospital to wait for his friend, and when he got there the carrot was still in the emergency room, so the tomato paced nervously. Finally, the doctor called out, "Mr. Tomato?" The tomato went over, and asked the doctor, "How is he?" The doctor replied, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he is still alive. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Blonde as Brunette

How can you tell when a brunette is actually a blonde who dyes her hair? When she trips over the cordless phone.

Women and Men

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."

Knowing Your States

Knowing Your States The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

College Dean's Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

Tallest Building in the World

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world? A: The library, because it has so many stories.

Hickory Dickory Dock. . .

Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

Yo Momma Jokes

Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.

Mexicans and Tequila!

Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila? A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!

Realtor Named Hall. . .

There once was a Realtor named Hall With a hexahedronical ball. The cube of its weight Plus his pecker times eight Is his phone number. Give him a call!

Chuck Norris Jokes

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Baby Brother or Sister

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Yoga Instructor vs. Torcherer

What is the difference between a yoga instructor and a torcherer? The torcherer apologizes first.

The Snowman

Q: Why did the snowman drop his pants? A: Because he heard the snow blower was coming.

Donations

Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool." Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."

Yo Mamma

Yo mamma so fat when she went to get her picture taken the photographer told her to say "Cheese" and she said, "Where?"

Protection

What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection? "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

Blood Vessels

Did you know if you were to stretch your blood vessels out end to end in a straight line, you would die?

Father vs. Son

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son... "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."

Vegetative State

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Onions and Coconuts

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Fighting Fire with Fire?

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Golfer and Caddy

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Yo Momma So Fat. . .

Yo mama is so fat that when she got her shoes shined, she had to take the guy’s word for it.

Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet

Q: What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffit have in common? A: They both had curds (Kurds) in their way (whey).

Yo Momma So Ghetto. . .

Yo momma so ghetto, she had to steal a pair of shoes just to throw them over the power line.

Burying George Washington

Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up? A: Because he could never lie.

Mexican Family Portraits

Q: How do Mexicans take a family portrait? A: They all jump in the back of a pickup truck and run a red light.

Yo Mama Is So Fat. . .

Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with a rapid flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her twenty years to live.

Cereal Killer

A local man was found murdered in his home in California over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.

Driving Crazy

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

Eating Alot

When I was young, I used to eat a lot because my parents told me that fat kids are harder to kidnap.

The Lottery

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"

George Washington

Q: What would George Washington be doing if he were alive? A: Terrified, screaming in his coffin.

Three Salesman

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best. The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man. The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man. The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to a blonde lady. The other two said, so what? The third salesman added, along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold her one hundred pounds of bird seeds!!!!!